Thursday, 21 May 2009

Uni.... Done? Huh, what?!

After my months and months of talking and worrying about it, the end of uni has finally arrived. Today I wrote and handed in my final assignment. My last ever hand in. I returned my pile of library books. Yesterday we had our final screening. It's all done.

But after all my worrying about this dramatic day, it hasn't actually sunk in. The adrenaline rush of having to write 2000 words before 4pm hasn't quite worn off yet. I managed it all calmly, at my own speed, without a hint of panic. I was very proud of myself. But I'm still breathing in my "stay calm, it's all fine..." way right now, still bracing myself for more work. But there is none!

As soon as I finish writing this, I'm going to go on a whirlwind clean up of my room. Any traces of uni are going to be put in a box under the bed, somewhere that I don't have to see them until I finally realise that it's all over. And all my work off my mac onto a backup harddrive.

Then I'm going to find something yummy to eat, and watch the episode of House that I've had sitting on my desktop begging to be watched for the whole of this week. And then... after that.... who knows? It doesn't matter! My time is mine again!!

Friday, 8 May 2009

Imperfection and Life

"I have not failed 10,000 times.
I have successfully found 10,000 ways that will not work."
- Thomas Edison

I’m a perfectionist.

“I have high ideals,” I tell the friends who ask about why I’m letting opportunities slip past. “When I do start, it will come naturally to me,” I try to convince my skeptical self as I spend day after day avoiding doing the things I dramatically plan to do. “There’s no point doing something if a million people can do it better than I can. Better try only when I know that it will go to plan, and that I’ll be better at it than everyone around me,” is what I tell myself as I look through Amazon at all the beautiful books about everything I yearn to do, and the even beautifuller books that I yearn to have written myself.

Now, though, I’m having radical thoughts. I’m considering the idea of allowing things into my life that I know won’t, and can't, be completely perfect. I've started doing little things (like sudoku) imperfectly, but as far as big things are concerned... well, such dangerous ideas have never been allowed to exist outside my head. Once the first steps down such a revolutionary path have been taken, there’s no telling where I’ll end up.

I can allow myself to try things. I can accept that I will fail a dozen times before I succeed, and realise that there is no shame in it. I can be open to the knowledge that my relationships will never be completely perfect, no matter how many self-help and chick-lit books I read, and allow them to blossom anyway to their fullest extent. I can accept my skills the way they are now, and accept the areas in which I fall down. I can stand up, brush myself off and continue on my way with the new lessons learned, and with compassion and love in place of judgment and embarrassment. I can learn to take baby steps towards my ambitions, instead of giant leaps that cause me to fall flat on my face and cower in fear of falling again. One baby step at a time. One page of writing, one friendship, one scale on the guitar, one small sketch at a time.

Friday, 1 May 2009

Dissertation - complete!

I finished and printed my dissertation yesterday evening. I can't believe it's over! I spent the night having nightmares of typos, and woke up this morning thinking that I'd forgotten to write a conclusion.

Of course I had to have a photo before handing it in.
The poloroid is by the very lovely Becky, photo of poloroid by me.

Now I'm on my way to hand it in. Then I'm coming home, cooking, and waiting for Becky to get back from a uni interview (with good news and an on-the-spot acceptance of course) and then it's out to the park for the afternoon.

Ah, freedom is so goood!