Saturday, 17 January 2009

New toys!!

As of today I am the proud, slightly stunned, and super duper excited owner ooooof... a brand new MacBook Pro (15 inch) and my very ownest own Canon 450d camera! Both of these are impossible impossible things for me to own, yet somehow I have them!

I'm going to have plenty plenty more to say about both of them, but I am still trying to work out how to actually use my pretty shiny new mac. I just wanted to jump about and cheer a little here! Hehehe.

Me and my new baby:

Tuesday, 13 January 2009

Welcome to a little angel.

Yesterday was better than the day before, thank goodness. I've mostly managed to shut up the voice in my head, or just not pay it any attention, and it helps that me and my group for next semester have finally arranged a meeting to discuss how the project is going to go, so it'll be less vague and up in the air.

This morning I finally got chance to go to the sorting office and pick up a package that hadn't been delivered properly last week because I wasn't around to sign for it. I couldn't remember what I'd ordered that would need to be signed for, and I still didn't remember until I saw the return label on the little box.

It's my artist totem for week 9 of The Artist's Way. And even more adorable than I hoped! She came to my door the first time on my birthday (the attempted delivery) which just makes it all the more better. She'll do a wonderful job of reminding me to be nice to myself and stop bullying myself when I have writer's block, or things aren't going quite right.

Sunday, 11 January 2009

The down from the up.

Today's been a strange, strange day. At work everyone was as drowsy as each other and the day dragged on and on. Drowsiness I can handle though, the thing I don't like is the weird panic that kept popping up at the most inconvenient times.

I've had such a great couple weeks. Everything's been clicking into place and I've been satisfied with how it's all working out. I've been preparing for challenges, but preparing to get through them and then out the other side. Nothing I can't deal with. But now it feels like the negative thinking part of my brain has woken up with a start, realised what's been going on in its absence and is back with a vengeance, determined to beat me back down to a more manageable position.

"What do you mean you're going to have a good year?! How on earth do you think you are going to actually pull a proper video together, let alone one that will get a good grade! What's that... you think you have a good group sorted? Are you sure about that? Look again and see if they're all still there, or have they perhaps gone on to better things? Oh, and if by some miracle you don't flunk the video unit... well, how's your dissertation going? Aaand, no matter what happens with the course, is anyone going to actually like you by the end of the year?"

Ouch! Whatever that part of my brain is, it's evil! I don't like it one little tiny bit. It's harsh, spiteful and viscious like anything! But the worst is that at the moment I can't help but think that just maybe it knows what it's talking about and it's not being cruel as much as realistic. And I can't quite fully convince myself otherwise. I've had such a hard time at uni during the past year and I'm so so scared that this last semester will just be more of the same. I don't think I could take it if it is. I want to believe it'll be better, but until I can actually see the change I just can't accept it...


Okay. I'm going to find a cheery-up film to watch, then I'm going to do some writing and get an early night. Hopefully it's just a weird day having its effect on me and tomorrow I'll feel less doomstruck.

I get a whole day off tomorrow to get my Big Clean underway and my room into a liveable condition. Mmm, and time for a proper walk methinks. That's something to look forward to anyway. No matter what may or may not happen in the future, I can have a nice day off.

Wednesday, 7 January 2009

Out with the old!

As this year began I wasn't really feeling the whole planning and resolutions thing. People asked what I was going to do this year and I just shrugged. It's not that I don't want to make plans, it just all seemed strangely pointless this time around. But anyway, as I expected, I didn't have much time to think about it in the middle of work and revision.

This morning I woke for the first time with the exam pressure of the past few weeks behind me, and it was like a switch had been flicked in my head. It's no wonder simple, "I will tidy my room and keep it tidy", "I will stop procrastinating and hand in all my work ahead of time", lists didn't seem to be doing the trick this year. It's just not enough for me right now. I don't want to make feeble attempts at fixing petty things in my life. I need so much more.

Suddenly my many boxes of accumulated junk have changed from comfy reminders of the past, into anchors holding me back, keeping me from moving on to bigger things. I've stashed mountains of trival bits and pieces over the years, and now it's piling around me, taking up all the space that should be clear for the new things I want to allow into my life. Forget tidying my room, I want to go through it and get rid of everything I don't need right now. No more holding onto things for some unforeseen future, just in case.

I think it's like stepping out from under a security blanket. For the first time in a long while I want to write, really write, without worrying about who sees the result. I want to go out and find my perfect career, something that will provide me with enough money to live comfortably and be able to travel and have all the adventures I dream of. I want to meet wonderful people and be proud as I tell them what what I'm doing with my life, instead of just going, "Well, I'm, uh... going to graduate and I guess I'll keep working for now, and uh, I dunno, maybe I'll find a job in the media sometime, but, well, who knows... we'll see." I'm sick of doing things because I'm "supposed" to, and then doing them half-heartedly because I don't know why I'm doing it in the first place. I want to live big, because what's the point of living small and timidly and watching life sweep on past without me?

Now to work out how I'm going to go about all this.
Ah well, at least I'm a step closer, right?

Monday, 5 January 2009

Christmas tree, oh Christmas treee.... and revision.

Lookee look! I have a baby Christmas tree! I planted it on Christmas Eve and came home on Friday to find a tiny little baby thing emerging from the compost. It was maybe 2 and a half millimetres high. Today, a day and a half later, it's quadrupled in size to over a centimetre! Magic! I wonder how big it'll be by next Christmas. And if it will still be small enough to live on my windowsill..

In other news.
Desperately trying to find anything that will help me in my upcoming exam, I dug out my class notes from the dreaded Ethical Media lectures.

The only notes I took before giving up in Week 9's lecture read:

"It is actually quite common.
It seems to happen more often than it does,
so it isn't really that common. But it does happen."

Direct quote from the lecture. Is it any wonder the entire class is panicking about tomorrow's exam? Worst. Teacher. Ever. *sighs*