Wednesday, 7 January 2009

Out with the old!

As this year began I wasn't really feeling the whole planning and resolutions thing. People asked what I was going to do this year and I just shrugged. It's not that I don't want to make plans, it just all seemed strangely pointless this time around. But anyway, as I expected, I didn't have much time to think about it in the middle of work and revision.

This morning I woke for the first time with the exam pressure of the past few weeks behind me, and it was like a switch had been flicked in my head. It's no wonder simple, "I will tidy my room and keep it tidy", "I will stop procrastinating and hand in all my work ahead of time", lists didn't seem to be doing the trick this year. It's just not enough for me right now. I don't want to make feeble attempts at fixing petty things in my life. I need so much more.

Suddenly my many boxes of accumulated junk have changed from comfy reminders of the past, into anchors holding me back, keeping me from moving on to bigger things. I've stashed mountains of trival bits and pieces over the years, and now it's piling around me, taking up all the space that should be clear for the new things I want to allow into my life. Forget tidying my room, I want to go through it and get rid of everything I don't need right now. No more holding onto things for some unforeseen future, just in case.

I think it's like stepping out from under a security blanket. For the first time in a long while I want to write, really write, without worrying about who sees the result. I want to go out and find my perfect career, something that will provide me with enough money to live comfortably and be able to travel and have all the adventures I dream of. I want to meet wonderful people and be proud as I tell them what what I'm doing with my life, instead of just going, "Well, I'm, uh... going to graduate and I guess I'll keep working for now, and uh, I dunno, maybe I'll find a job in the media sometime, but, well, who knows... we'll see." I'm sick of doing things because I'm "supposed" to, and then doing them half-heartedly because I don't know why I'm doing it in the first place. I want to live big, because what's the point of living small and timidly and watching life sweep on past without me?

Now to work out how I'm going to go about all this.
Ah well, at least I'm a step closer, right?


Secret Wish Jar said...

Definitely a step closer! Yay!

You're right, sometimes you need to let go of old things to make room for new things. Not always easy, but oh so necessary.

SisterJulia said...

Definitely anchors! sometimes we need that. Sometimes...

It's scary but once you get going suddenly, what was a comfort, a memory or a hopeful dream, rapidly becomes stuff. There's always life for more memories and new dreams.

Wow this is going to be a big year for you!

Lilly Rose Chen said...

Amen sister! You're on the right track and I'm following right behind you!

SillyBoy said...

I was inspired by your bold words to tidy my own sty. And after some hours of effort and many a difficult decision, I have cleared seven inches of shelf space.

This could take a while.