Sunday, 11 January 2009

The down from the up.

Today's been a strange, strange day. At work everyone was as drowsy as each other and the day dragged on and on. Drowsiness I can handle though, the thing I don't like is the weird panic that kept popping up at the most inconvenient times.

I've had such a great couple weeks. Everything's been clicking into place and I've been satisfied with how it's all working out. I've been preparing for challenges, but preparing to get through them and then out the other side. Nothing I can't deal with. But now it feels like the negative thinking part of my brain has woken up with a start, realised what's been going on in its absence and is back with a vengeance, determined to beat me back down to a more manageable position.

"What do you mean you're going to have a good year?! How on earth do you think you are going to actually pull a proper video together, let alone one that will get a good grade! What's that... you think you have a good group sorted? Are you sure about that? Look again and see if they're all still there, or have they perhaps gone on to better things? Oh, and if by some miracle you don't flunk the video unit... well, how's your dissertation going? Aaand, no matter what happens with the course, is anyone going to actually like you by the end of the year?"

Ouch! Whatever that part of my brain is, it's evil! I don't like it one little tiny bit. It's harsh, spiteful and viscious like anything! But the worst is that at the moment I can't help but think that just maybe it knows what it's talking about and it's not being cruel as much as realistic. And I can't quite fully convince myself otherwise. I've had such a hard time at uni during the past year and I'm so so scared that this last semester will just be more of the same. I don't think I could take it if it is. I want to believe it'll be better, but until I can actually see the change I just can't accept it...


Okay. I'm going to find a cheery-up film to watch, then I'm going to do some writing and get an early night. Hopefully it's just a weird day having its effect on me and tomorrow I'll feel less doomstruck.

I get a whole day off tomorrow to get my Big Clean underway and my room into a liveable condition. Mmm, and time for a proper walk methinks. That's something to look forward to anyway. No matter what may or may not happen in the future, I can have a nice day off.


SillyBoy said...

Maybe all this is your brain's way of reminding you that you do have a lot of work to do in the next few months, and you really shouldn't go leaving it til the last minute like you usually do :p

Unlike the voice in your head, I won't be unnecessarily cruel and negative about your outlook for the year ahead, because it's going to be filled with wonderfulness. But I will be gently nagging you at regular intervals until everything's done!

Evie.E said...

Hehe, thank you! I do need a little nagging from time to time... most of the time in fact :op