Friday, 31 October 2008

Halloween, Sun and Writer's Block.

Happy Halloween!
And a perfect Halloween it is too. The weather is lovely. All cold, brisk and autumny, but with sunshine streaming through the windows. I took a break from my dissertation planning (which, yes, I'm taking another break from to write this...) and took myself out for a walk in the park to soak up as much as possible this glorious autumn sun, before it starts rising at 11, setting at 3, and spending the hours between shrouded in clouds.

I have writer's block, which is affecting me everywhere. In fact, it feels more like life block. I'm not writing, not keeping up-to-date with uni work, not following up opportunities that come my way, not doing the things I love to do. Not because I don't want to, but because I seem to have become stuck in the belief that if I do something I'll suck at it. Or that, even if it's not bad, it still won't measure up to other people's standards or abilities.

I wonder why anyone would want to read something I've written. Why should I bother taking photos when so many people can do it better. Why draw, when my pens only occasionally make the shapes and lines they're supposed to? Why am I making films, when every recent project I've been a part of has fallen apart?

The answer to all of the above, is because I love to do it. I love to draw, to take photos, and to see my ideas come alive on screen and on paper. And I know that I'm good at it when I give myself the chance. But the chance is what I'm not allowing myself to have. I refuse to be second-best at something, refuse to fail, which means that if there's the slightest chance of this happening I turn tail and run.

Okay, 'tis time for these musings to come to an end for now. Back to writing my dissertation proposal. This time trying to write about what I want to, instead of worrying about whether my (so far beyond useless) dissertation tutor will see it in the same way as me.

(Picture by Madydiu on deviantART)

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Catching up with myself

I like this picture:

(picture by Utopic-man on deviantART)

It looks a bit like I feel right now. Not sad, or scary. Just shrouded in my own little world. Once I'm done here all the clouds will blow away, revealing a blue, blue sky and fields of glowing daisies, and I'll invite everyone to come and join me. Soon... when I'm ready.

It's been an odd few weeks for me. My dad stopped in London for a couple days on his way between Ukraine and India. We spent an extremely rare afternoon together, musical instrument (I got me a harmonica! I haven't had one since I was about 11. Now to find somewhere faar from any poor listeners to learn to play) and microphone shopping, and then on to St James's Park to sit by the lake and talk. It was nice, very nice actually, but managed to leave me a little shaken in a way that only he manages. It's something about having an outsider's view of your life being given by someone close to you, someone who's in a position to let you know what they see. I kind of.. well. Since our conversation I've been in a bit of an identity crisis, trying to work out how I ended up where I am at this point in time, and not always liking what I determine.

My final year at uni is off to a good start. We have dissertations to plan, video projects to make, work placements to find, lectures and seminars to attend and readings to read. I'm excited about this year, and nervous about what will follow. It's out into the big scary world after graduation. I'm not certain I'm ready to be all grown-up! But I'm determined to be ready when the time comes.

Not too grown-up though. Only as much as necessary.